A simple request

If you know me at all, in any fashion in the real world, could you do me a favor? Could you help me out with a little confidence boost?

Let me explain.

As the months wind down into weeks, and soon days, I think of the birth and labor ahead of us with mixed feelings. I know it will be tough and painful, an endurance marathon, not a quick sprint, but I am confident that we can do it. More confident than I can express.

In preparing for that day, I think of the many strong women in my life that have labored ahead of me and birthed their children, whether it was natural, through c-section, or any combination of the way birth happens and of the husbands that have supported these women through hours and hours of labor, and they all inspire me. But as much as hearing other people's experiences and advice can assist in bringing confidence one way, hearing from people that know us and love us that we can do this, is a whole other confidence boost.

So I'm asking for your help. What do you know about us that will give us strength to labor and birth? What stories do you have to remind us that we are strong? What character traits do we exhibit that will carry us through the pain and long hours?

If you would take a moment to write down your thoughts or just make a list of things you see in us that will remind us we are strong and prepared and email them to me, I would be forever grateful.

eggandmandy [at] gmail [dot] com

Our last visit to California before two becomes three

34 weeks - in California

At the start of our 33rd week we were busy packing the cooler with frozen raw milk and snacks, loading up our bags and pillows, checking the oil and filling up the gas tank for our trip South to San Luis Obispo, thus, there is no 33 week photo.

The highlights of our trip:

1. all the time we were able to spend with both sides of the family

2. the fact that we only added 1.5 hours to our drive time on the way down, and only 1 hour on the way back - due to pee breaks and walking about

3. the blessing of a baby shower for our little Ant, complete with delish food and plenty of amazing women, and gifts, did I mention the gifts!

4. watching Andy hang out with our 5 year-old nephew and play G.I. Joes, which completely distracted me from taking a nap

It was during this time when Bridge loaded up a couple of GI Joe's into a spaceship (the Mario Cart Wii Wheel), flew by me as I lay on the couch, stopped for a moment, looked at me intently and said, "I like your hair Aunt Meg"

The low-lights of the trip:

1. the cold that hit me like a flu - without the fever - that took me out of commission for 3 days

2. the cancelled plans with family and friends, due to #1

3. the things I didn't get to check off my list of fun things to do, again, blame #1

4. cutting the trip a day short so I could get home and have an extra day to recoup before returning to real life

our other adventures:

1. Tess' water polo game

2. A visit with Cash

3. Sword fighting

4. Wrestling

5. Fabric shopping for the baby's quilt

6. lunch with Gramps 2 times

7. a visit from Yosemite with my brother and SIL

8. breakfast the morning we left with my mom, and inlaws

This is one of the kids that made me wonder what our boy will grow to be. He loves his Uncle Andy and his

Grandpa, it was so rad for me to see all week.

this is Cash - my brother's dog

After a week of much rest and a long drive, we left California behind and returned happily home to our little house to find our neighbor across the street still sporting her Christmas lights.

It's good to be back.

Am I a mother? part 1 ?

32 weeks

This time around, being pregnant and anticipating becoming a mother has led me to a lot more existential thinking than the first time when I was 21. It could very well have to do with age, it being 9 years later and all, but I think it has more to do with the community that we've been a part of for most of those 9 years and the understanding I have that God does not just require of us to consider our spiritual existential beliefs, but our existential beliefs in all areas of our lives.

For me to be a good parent, I want to consider the potential reasons behind a decision we make that will affect our child and I want to look to the future and begin to understand now how our relationship with him and with one another will change, prior to the change just happening to us. I want to be an active participant in the changes.

This in no way means I want to control everything or anything crazy like that, I just think there is some wisdom in critically thinking about things. I mean, right? Common sense, no?

One of the things I've considered for a long time is the idea of losing myself when I become a mother, which led me to consider when is the moment I become a mother, as in when exactly does this happen? For some women I think this takes place the moment they find out they're pregnant. I am going to make an argument against this (which I began in a previous post 'deep thoughts, beware'), because it was obvious by my thoughts about 'losing myself' that I did not consider myself someone's mother yet, so I had to ask myself why and when.

1. Is the role of life source the role of a mother?

It is true, I am a life source for my son. I nourish him, I create a healthy environment for him to grow and thrive, I play a huge role in how his development occurs. But is this the role of a mother or not? Personally, I would rather look at this time a little differently.

For me to eat a healthy diet, and to make certain that I am consuming or supplementing the appropriate vitamins etc, may have something to do with growing another human - he needs more of or a different variety to grow - but it should not be the only reason I do this. I should do this for myself, to be a healthy human. But does doing this for his growth now fall under the category of being his mother? Or does it simply fall under the category of being an incubator?

For me this argument can be carried throughout decisions I seem to have made simply because I am pregnant, but they are because I am a life source, not because I am a mother.

Mostly I lean toward this argument because of something I've previously expressed. The bond of parent and child is essential, but the insane need for us all (me, Andy & boy) to be individuals is much greater (or I believe it should be, it is healthier for all parties). If I am not an individual or don't have a healthy self worth than how can I expect my son to? If I am not responsible for my actions or accountable for them because I can blame it on something (example: I'm a mother, I don't have time to take care of myself etc) then how does this teach my son that he is accountable and responsible for his actions?

This all brings me back to the idea that I am not someone's mother yet. There is no learning going on between my actions now and my son, I am not teaching him anything. But when he is born, that's exactly what will be happening. And in return he will help inform me of how to be his mother once he is here and interacting with me. I can think of nothing better than raising a son based on who he is rather than on my expectations of him.

Sure it's possible that one day he'll know (from me) about how his life began and what I did to help him grow, but if this is where I "begin" our relationship then it is purely a selfish act.

Obviously, this is not a closed discussion nor is it over, but I'd love to hear feedback, especially from all my young mother friends, and perhaps even more so from my friends who are not mothers as I think you may be able to lend an opinion from an outside perspective.

How time goes by in just the right amount

30 weeks

31 weeks

As we round the corner to our 32nd week, the comments from people are a derivative of one of the following:

It seems like you've been pregnant forever

or

It has gone by so fast

I guess that all depends on perspective right?

I feel like it has been just the right amount of time. I'm not anxious either way...to get it over with or to keep it going longer. I'm content where we're at and I have been this entire time. I hope this continues and I'm confident that with the right perspective, it will.

One of the strangest things I've discovered while being pregnant is the amount of statements rather than questions I hear in regards to my pregnancy. For instance, people don't ask how it has felt for me, long, short, just right? They just tell me how it's been for them. I find this peculiar at least.

But it doesn't end with this small area, it ripples throughout any comment I make online, or any person I speak to about the pregnancy. I have to say, some of the best advice I have been given was by another new mother. She said, don't take advice or listen to just one person, hear it all, but decide what's best for you and your baby. This wasn't some kind of epiphany, but it made me realize that this isn't an isolated occurrence, this happens to a lot of pregnant women. I know very well that no one knows me, or my diet, or my habits, or my history like I do, except for maybe Andy, and we all know that no two people are alike, so of course no two pregnancies are going to be alike. So what is this need to give advice when it isn't solicited?

Don't get me wrong, I hear it all, some of it is really helpful, I'm just pondering the reasoning behind it.

The advice I was given may seem like common sense, and typically to the person hearing the unsolicited advice or opinions, this is common sense, but I ponder more why this isn't common sense for the people handing out the advice or opinions. And I ponder even more why people are so quick to offer their advice or opinions about pregnancy when I don't even ask for them. Is this how it will be all during parenthood too? Will people always assume that you don't know what you're doing cause you're 'new at this'? That's kind of annoying.

I have a few ideas, but they're probably offensive, so I'd rather people just tell me why they do it instead of me pissing off everyone.

Opening thoughts

I have contemplated a lot this past year
what kind of wife will I be
what kind of friend will I be
what kind of mother will I be
what kind of wife and friend will I be when I'm a mother?
And such similar things as you may find any woman becoming a mother contemplating.

But today, this morning, I was contemplating what kind of me I will be. The me that has nothing to do with being a wife, friend or mother. It's not the fact that I'm entering a new 'chapter' in life, or a new decade. It's more that everything around me is changing and it's a good time to reflect on who I am, what is important in life, and who I am as a part of it. Age is, after all, just a number.

Obviously I don't have the answers to all these questions. But they're on my mind and forcing my thoughts to be retrospective and projective, which I think is a good thing. All I can say for now is, I seriously doubt this year will be anything but incredible.

A new me in the new year?

This baby thing is taking over my body.

29 weeks
- just barely on New Year's Eve

At 29 weeks I have exactly one more week of being 29. And then 30 weeks will arrive on my 30th, ehem, birthday. It's a sign, of what I don't know, but kind of amazing still.

One man that I haven't mentioned recently is my man. I don't want to bore anyone with all the mushy details, but no one could ever treat me better than he does. The details make him all that much more amazing, but they're mushy and lovey so I'll stop there. Just know, he's better than every other man on the planet. Hands down.

Christmas day in the snow (!) 28 weeks

Last night, New Year's Eve, after working from 8:30am till 8:15pm (with a break) and standing up at a party for hours, my baby belly started to feel big and heavy for the first time. I have tried binding three or four times over the last few weeks, after Marianne so graciously gave me hers to use, and I think it may have to become a more regular piece of my attire. I'm thinking that at least if I'm going to be up and about all day I should wear it to take the strain of my muscles. My only hesitation to wearing it all the time is that I feel like I'm taking away space from Ant and I don't know if that's fair to do to him this early.

In other news, we've officially applied for OHP (Oregon Health Plan) and have been told we will receive it, though the official word comes to us next week so I'm still a bit nervous. OHP will bring with it qualification for WIC, blood tests (including a glucose test for gestational diabetes), more midwife visits, and perhaps another ultrasound.

Which I hope will mean more Ant pictures to come, from the inside, not just the outside, something that makes me smile.

deep thoughts, beware

28 weeks Christmas Day 2009

The more I think about this little person growing inside of me, the more I realize how easily women can loose themselves in their children and I don't want to become a part of the statistic. I thought planning to continue working would keep that other part of me alive, or depending on kind souls to watch our wee one so Andy & I could have time alone together. But the closer it becomes and the more I fall in love with this little Ant, the easier it feels to hold on to myself.

I see this time, not as being his mother but as being his life source. And because I see it this way, it informs me that in the future this time will end. It will end the moment he takes his first breath and I become his mother. Why does this distinction matter? It matters because my relationship with him during these months should not inform my future as his mother, because our relationship right now is one sided. There is no understanding from him that I am another human being, nurturing and sustaining him. His kicks are not in response to me, they are a natural reaction, a reflex.

I don't want to ever find my self worth in the role I play in his life and I want to share the moment of becoming a parent with Andy because I honestly believe the moment we become parents will happen at the exact same second.

I know I'll flesh this out more, and really this is a record for me in this journey, but as I am putting it out there, I do invite your conversation.