Sunday, April 27, 2008

at least there's an excuse not to do yard work.

*Edited for clarification
I wrote this post last weekend, when it actually happened and then, well, my charger stopped working, so the battery died, I couldn't access my computer and so it sat, awaiting a charge. Which, incidentally, I got the new cord and what's that you say? It almost burned the house down? Yes, that's correct, and frustrating, and making me mad and I have to go to sleep. So we'll talk about it later. Now. On to the post!


So you know when it's late April, and it's cold outside, and you're all bundled up and warm under the covers and you look out the back window and there's snow all over the place? Wait, it's freaking late April and there's snow on the ground? Here? At my house? I can't believe Al Gore invented the internet and discovered global warming. Shesh! Happy weekend.

Did I mention this happened 2 days in a row?!?! Fluke, or what's in store till the next ice age?

someone tagged our wall

AAAaaand, I love it.

There's joy in friends, collaboration, and art in all forms, I've been blessed with all of them. Here's a little picture series of a painting in progress.

He'll be back later this week. Progress reports to follow.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

I become convinced

your final statement in this post practically made me write my last post, I was compelled by something. thank you for that.

Last night, talking to a friend, I relayed the dream I'd had three days prior to friday March 28th, the day we got the keys, and it got me thinking about how when God shows up in my life, it isn't everyday, it's never really quiet (it isn't hard to know it's Him) certainly isn't loud (there's never been literal writing on the wall) but it is sooo Him.

I have to go back a bit and say a little something before the next thing I want to share...

I grew up in pretty charismatic churches and I loved it. I loved it when God showed up in my day, I loved worship and outward expressions of love and adoration for Him. But as I got older, I felt a distaste for church, by this I mean for people, "christians". I didn't want to be associated with people I had come across, the hypocrite*,

*I'm a hypocrite, honestly aren't we all in some way? I'm not getting holier than though, I'm just saying I recognize my sin and don't deny I'm an evil wretched human that needs to be saved by grace, I just kind of have a distaste for "christians" and christian culture that tells us we're perfect now because we were saved and we don't have daily work to do on our natural human nature.

Then there's the tel-evangelist, the sunday christian, the Thomas Kincade scripture coffee mug holding...okay I'm getting carried away.

But then there's the "prayer warrior" that tells me I could have "changed the outcome" if I had just prayed harder, longer, better...believed...trusted God. Long before this day I had gone through the phase of "don't call me a Christian, it's a dirty word" but after we lost our son, this was too much.

I had prayed without ceasing.
I had called the prayer chain.
I had cast demons out of the room, away from my womb.
I had more faith that God would save him than anyone...

I don't deny that to some these things may seem silly. But I still don't believe they were. I believe I had done what I was asked to do, it was what I belived at the time and it has taught me so much more...well, that's a whole other can of worms.

I just know that it wasn't my fault, it was the plan and I can't say God doesn't know what He's doing. Christian's can say hurtful things, especially to one another, in times of crisis and pain. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I actually really detest it. I don't want to be associated with that, if that mean denying I'm a "christian" than so be it.

Ok. Now that I've said a little bit of my opinions of modern american christianity, and you know a little bit about where I've come from in my relationship with God, I'd like to get to the point.

I've seen things in my life that can only be described as supernatural. And, on March 25th of this year, I awoke early in the morning and had a waking dream. I describe these as the kind of dreams when you lye in bed and you know you're in bed, and you're dreaming, and it's not reality, but you're okay with it and you let it proceed. These dreams aren't usually supernatural, and for me mostly they aren't, this time it was.

There was a little boy. I couldn't see him clearly. No one called out his name. He didn't come to me or speak to me, he was busy. Busy laughing, playing, living. And I knew it was him.

I heard God speak to me in that moment. It wasn't like a loud booming voice. It wasn't an audible thing either, but it wasn't completely quiet, or in-audible. I can't really explain it and that seems fitting.

He simply drew my attention to my son and said, "I love you."

I woke with the knowledge that this was the anniversary week. I had this clear view of the week in my head all of a sudden. Today was the day we were signing the papers at the Title Company. Friday, the day seven years ago that we went to the doctor and she told us that his heart rate was slowing and it was a critical time for him and it could go either way, was the same day (and time of day even) that we were going to be handed the keys. Then all day on Saturday, the day that seven years ago we had labored all day only for it to end in tragedy, was the day we were going to be moving all day, ending in the complete opposite emotion. This was unbelievable.

Last year was the first year that his birthday had come and gone without me falling into a deep depression. I was finally healing. And then this year, life was so crazy, well, I just hadn't really looked at the calendar. See, everything had all just been happening to us, it felt like we weren't really making the decisions, things were just so easy, so clear, we didn't really have a "choice", it was clear what we were supposed to do, what God was giving us.

I couldn't really understand, wrap my brain around it. I didn't actually believe it could really be happening like this. I had to find the calendar check the dates, and then double check.

God shows up, usually it isn't when I've begged for a sign, I think He knows I didn't really need one. It isn't when I've thought I needed it. He shows up when He wants to. And it's undeniably Him.

I think this is the reason why I'm such a terrible missionary. I was never able to lead anyone in the sinner's prayer. I don't believe that I can actually "convince" anyone of God's existence, or His love. For me it's my experiences that prove to me His love and that's not really convincing to anyone else cause really, He has done it for me and only me. You'll have to be convinced by your own story.

Saturday, April 19, 2008


A friend wrote a post that I wanted to respond to but I just knew it would be an obscenely long comment and the subject deserves more than a comment space provides.

Skylana's post is called: blessed? And in reading it I was reminded of a conversation me 'n andy have periodically about God's timing in our life, His purposes, and hardest for me to deal with...the times when He brings hardship, pain, or death into our lives.

And so, because I've been wanting to post on this for a long time and rather than post a short disjointed comment, I decided to embark on probably one of the hardest subjects I ever have to talk about.

In 2000, not long after we were married, we found out we were pregnant.


Early one morning, a week before we were moving to our house, I sat in the still silence of the day and I took out the little blue box that holds all of my tangible memories from that time in my life.

It always takes a build up of courage to take the lid off. It holds the journal I kept throughout the entire time, the ultrasound photographs, cards and messages from both during and after, the star book from my gram, the half started, blue baby book with silver booties on the front, and the little box with his name written across the top holding his ashes. Tobin John Weber, March 29th, 2001

We lost him before we even knew him and even though the pain is less now, I still mourn the loss of his life and the loss of the life we would have had with him. I miss him in this moment.

The doctor didn't have answers. The autopsy, the months of tests afterwards, nothing was revealed. They couldn't provide me with any reason, any closure. There was no medical explanation behind his death. He was strong, he was healthy, his heart was strong, his organs were developed, his placenta was nutrient rich....I still get caught up in the frustration that there were no answers.

But I know there was a reason. I may not know it until I die, but I can believe that it was not a malicious reason, or an un-just reason. It was right for me, it was right for him, it was right for us. I don't like it. I can still be angry at times. I miss him terribly and I wish that I could see him grow up. I wish I could have been his mother, taken care of him, saved him. I just want once for him to hear me whisper in his ear, I love you.
But, still. I am blessed.

Throughout the past seven years I've had many times where I thought, "oh, this is the reason, this is why all that happened, God has a purpose." And I can honestly say that even though it may not be any of those reasons, or maybe it's all those reasons, it doesn't matter. I'm learning to trust Him. I'm learning to feel blessed in all of life.


Seven years ago when my world began to crash around me, when we found out something was going terribly wrong and we might lose him, I wouldn't have believed you if you had told me seven years later, to the day, I would be handed the keys to our home.

How can it be that the day of the seventh anniversary of what I would always consider the worst day of my life, became the day we moved into our first home? This isn't coincidence, this isn't a change in luck. This is a thoughtful architecture of a life created, crafted by One that cares, that loves, that holds me dear.


Wednesday, April 16, 2008

inching closer to home

Wanna come over for dinner?

Or hang out and watch a movie?

come over. there's places to sit.

an enormous thanks to this guy for stopping at Ikea in Portland after our meeting...and for helping rent the uhaul trailer...and for loading everything in the pouring rain and hail....and for returning the trailer by yourself cause we had guests arriving for dinner....and for being rad.

a pat on the back

Before I begin, I'd like to mention that I've had tons to say but couldn't because my laptop was acting up. In reality, we found out yesterday, my laptop battery had been recalled and it wasn't holding a charge.

Last night, I replaced the battery and this morning it was fully charged, to something close to 6 hours. I seriously can't remember a time when I was able to use my laptop unplugged for more than a couple of hours. Thanks Apple Care, you're worth it.

And now for a little pat on the back.
Toby has been a writer for a long time. And his poetry has developed into more than a young man's call for action. And finally, he has been recognized for his talent.

Next month he'll be accepting a first place award for A Picture Taken at a Hotel. It is much deserved and we're so proud.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

where it's at

umm. ya. it's the new bathroom.
and can I just add, I don't know what's up with the shower curtain, it looks all gross and dingy, but I swear it isn't, heck the things like 5 days old. My camera's adding dirt to my photos, great.

don't worry, Rosie's hung in her rightful place.

The kitchen so far...complete with an open bottle of wine, of course.

here's another view...of the kitchen

my GAS stove, finally we're back together again, making dinner efficiently!

kitchen curtains...I put them up when Andy was out of town for the weekend, playing shows in Ptown. I didn't even think about the fact that I'd be all alone when I kissed him goodbye and I got all kinds of creeped out when the sun went, a perfect time to hang the curtains.

the living room how it looks right now...yeah, I know there's no where to sit...we're working on it.

the new and improved mailbox that I hung, I did it mostly for the mail man. When we met him, I asked if there was anything we should know or whatever and he said,
"well, your mailbox is kind of tiny, they sell bigger ones at Home Depot for 15 bucks, it'd be nice to get all the mail into the box easier...and then people wouldn't see your Netflix envelopes either."

Good call mail man Noland. And it was only 13 bucks to boot!

Also. I just trimmed the hedge in front of the house, it was covering up the numbers, which are placed really low next to the door for some reason...anyways, it was my first yard work and it was brisk and a bit windy out and it was awesome.

We cleaned and organized the garage, it's my man's birthday on friday and we don't have anywhere to hang out in the house except for the bedroom right now and that would be kind of awkward if we invited people over and then asked them to come into the bedroom to hang out. So. Ya. I'll post photos of the new garage, next up, patching the leaks in the roof. Man those people were idiots. geesh.

getting things done.

Last Apartment.

First yard work.

And now...the arrival of our first major purchase (house not included, we don't technically own'll be another 30 years) the washer and dryer from Sears.

The box out of the truck. (I was so excited, thrilled and giddy.)

My washer/dryer laying in the middLE OF THE STREET!

These two guys just picked it up and walked it to our door.

And here it is, front loading, gas water and heat dryer, energy star, high efficient, fantastical and working beautifully washer and dryer.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

It's moving day...

Not quite the breakfast of champions, but you wouldn't know it by the way the friends that helped out on Moving Day behaved.

Check out this blog for the few photos taken during the hoopla of the move.

The day began with a little rain, mixed with a little slushy-snowy-rain, but by the time we started bringing our possessions outside, it was sunny and bright. All our friends seamlessly found the job that suited them and busted out the work in an hour.

We bought the traditional beer and was so good after all the hard work, I actually couldn't believe it since I'm not really that into pizza and especially not into beer.

Teal made us this amazing cake and walked it all the way over to the new house, what a sweetheart! We ate it for breakfast, lunch and dinner all the next day.

This is the only actually moving of things that I took a picture of. It was the last piece of our stuff to come out of the truck, and sheesh, I was too busy moving to snap photos, come on!

Finishing up the day.

Lovin' our friends. (not pictured is the family from the blog linked above, we're so thankful for your help!)

Right after we finished moving everything in, and we took our group photo in the garage is started to insanely's an omen...all good to come.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

we did a little painting.

the bedroom before.

Painting at the end of the first night.

the corner of the wall where two colors meet.

We had our Oregon Mom, who shall by her wishes, remain faceless and nameless, at the house for a while too, cleaning our kitchen to a beautiful gleam. She made the cupboards and drawers fresh for all our things and the stove and refrigerator will never again look so white and clean. She rocked the house and made it so much easier when it was time to put everything away cause I didn't have to wipe anything down in the least, it made things fast and efficient. She's an amazing, selfless woman and we love her.

We spent our first night at the house, painting and hanging out just the two of us. It's the beginning of the years working on our house together.
When we walked out of the house that night, exhausted and excited, we stood on the back porch and it started to snow.

He said it was an omen, a good omen at the start of all things new.

Trading Spaces

I loved the show Trading Spaces, I loved the idea of a room being made over with the plans of a designer and the work done by friends that know and love you.

Our garage is going to be a bit of a collaborative evolution. That's the way it should be I think.

It's going to be a place where artistic expression and creativity thrive. I hope to post the progress over the next few months...but, this weekend, while working to separate "garage sale items", from storage, from art supplies, I discovered leaks in the ceiling.

And, these aren't the kind of leaks that mean there needs to be a little shingle replacing, these are the kind of leaks that are coming from some idiot that tried to "replace" the roof shingles, but did such a shitty job, that now there are about a hundred and fifty Nail HOLES in the ceiling and guess what!?!! They're leaking water into the garage!

That's exactly what I thought to.

So. All that aside, once we fix that little problem, my hope is the the space becomes a place to trade talent, art, and that breeds collaboration.

The evolution to date...

Sweeping by the master

This was just before the handle snapped off.

Jo-science keeping a chin on the new carpet.

McKenzie and his car takin' one for the team

The guy loading the carpet threw it at his car and broke the cover off the tail light. Nice.

Jo-sigh-ma pullin' out the leatherman and doing it well.

Rollin' out the carpet.

team effort.

Poster, right over the band space, left here by the previous owners.

The garage now.

Band area.

The rest of the garage.

Let the collaborating commence.