deep thoughts, beware

28 weeks Christmas Day 2009

The more I think about this little person growing inside of me, the more I realize how easily women can loose themselves in their children and I don't want to become a part of the statistic. I thought planning to continue working would keep that other part of me alive, or depending on kind souls to watch our wee one so Andy & I could have time alone together. But the closer it becomes and the more I fall in love with this little Ant, the easier it feels to hold on to myself.

I see this time, not as being his mother but as being his life source. And because I see it this way, it informs me that in the future this time will end. It will end the moment he takes his first breath and I become his mother. Why does this distinction matter? It matters because my relationship with him during these months should not inform my future as his mother, because our relationship right now is one sided. There is no understanding from him that I am another human being, nurturing and sustaining him. His kicks are not in response to me, they are a natural reaction, a reflex.

I don't want to ever find my self worth in the role I play in his life and I want to share the moment of becoming a parent with Andy because I honestly believe the moment we become parents will happen at the exact same second.

I know I'll flesh this out more, and really this is a record for me in this journey, but as I am putting it out there, I do invite your conversation.

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another physical change,paired with an emotional one

This morning I realized that if I stopped counting up and started counting down, this baby seems like he's going to arrive in no time...27 weeks done, 13 weeks to go. I think I may keep counting up for now. That's less overwhelming.

27 weeks

Last week, we stayed extra long lying in bed one morning because Ant was moving around so much that we could see everything from the outside. It was glorious.

Since then he's resided much higher up in my belly, although he still kicks me way down low if I'm sitting or bending forward at all, and I'm able to figure out where he's at pretty easily. The only thing I wish I could do is to tell exactly what part is what when I do feel him. I still can't tell if it's a head or a butt most of the time.

Along with the obvious physical changes, I have found recently that something has changed in me. The only thing that I can point it back to is that it is, in a sense, a protection of my child.

Recently I have found myself being truthful in my relationships in a way that used to scare me. If I feel like someone is manipulating, or asserting an unhealthy control over me or the relationship, then I don't keep quiet about it. It's like I'm being more vocal and opinionated about myself or what's healthy for me.

It mostly boils down to the fact that I'm doing all I can to keep my stress to a minimum, for the health of our boy. But for other people, this means our relationship may have some moments of confrontation that you're not used to from me. It's not as though I've suddenly become less tolerant of these behaviors, I've never liked them, I've just always kept my mouth shut so as to not rock the boat. And now, I'm rocking the boat.

I'm not angry with anyone, frustrated maybe that I've allowed some things for so long. But, mostly I'm just honest about behaviors that I don't like, or ways people treat me that I don't think are healthy ways to treat someone. It's actually a very good place to be. I'm older and wiser and I feel like if there were ever a time to confront it's now, before I raise a child that follows in these unhealthy footsteps.

So, whereas I used to just let things go all the time, for days and months and years, I'm not letting things slide anymore, it's not healthy for me, it's not healthy for baby and it's not healthy for the people in my life. One thing I'm still having an uber hard time with though is disappointing people or letting people down, meaning: saying no is still really hard. I don't have an answer yet for this one, but it's an age old woman's issue, and since I'm going to be an old woman next month, it seems alright to tackle it slowly.

Starry Vaultz Waltz

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This week in life

26 weeks

I think it was two weeks ago that I was quoted as saying, 'the big has begun' and if it was under debate before, there's no way it can be now. As Autumn said, the belly's past the boobs, it's legit pregnant time.

facts for where we're at:

1. I'm averaging pretty good sleep, I only wake up at most 3 times each night to pee
2. Weight gain is steady, and I still have 8 to go till I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight
3. We still don't have any top names for Ant, for real.
4. I've had beef for dinner twice now. Crazy weird for me.
5. Since hitting the 6 month mark, it means we're right around the corner from the third trimester, wow.

Our little midget is so awesome. He has a great, steady sleep and wake cycle, and when he is awake he's a rock star, jumping around everywhere. Even though I can't wait to meet him and have him here with us, I'm super happy he isn't here quite yet. I'm cherishing this time with Andy. We've been together over 10 years now and it's always been just the two of us, adding in another person is going to take adjusting in a whole different way for us. But I have to say, I think I'm in love with two guys.

Baby countdown: weeks 24 & 25

**Updated Below**

We just reached week 26, but that photo will have to come later, here are more semi-decent week to week photos from my iphone:

24 weeks

25 weeks

At 25 weeks, I'm still slowly gaining a little less than a pound a week, and I'm 9 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. If my calculations are correct, and I keep up this pace, by the time the baby comes I'll be less than 10 lbs over my pre-weight ...which will make me ecstatic. (I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish it were 5 lbs or better yet zero pounds, but I'll take what I can get, and if it's more that will be fine too, I guess.)

Along with all the wonderful verbal blessings I've received, which I think have more to do with the camera than with me, we have begun to receive practical blessings in the form of hand me downs.

So far we've been given:

- baby jogger
- co-sleeper
- an infant car seat (once little Mad grows out of it :-)
- a white crib (we only have to get the mattress!)
- moby wrap (in chocolate brown!)
- whole set of newborn cloth diapers
- cozy mint green sleeper
- 3 pairs of tiny jeans, a couple of striped onesies, and a pair of robeez

And I've been given:

- a motherhood winter jacket (from the generous Emery)
- a gift card to buy maternity pants and camies (thanks mom!)
- our ultrasound - gifts from both my mom and Andy's parents to pay for the drive to Portland and the cost of the ultrasound

I said we were blessed right?

**Updated**

After leaving the dear Marianne's house this afternoon, I walked away with one big and one huge box of little boy clothes...on loan to our Ant until he outgrows them or the Scrivner house needs them again :-)