Tuesday, December 22, 2009

another physical change,
paired with an emotional one


This morning I realized that if I stopped counting up and started counting down, this baby seems like he's going to arrive in no time...27 weeks done, 13 weeks to go. I think I may keep counting up for now. That's less overwhelming.

27 weeks

Last week, we stayed extra long lying in bed one morning because Ant was moving around so much that we could see everything from the outside. It was glorious.
Since then he's resided much higher up in my belly, although he still kicks me way down low if I'm sitting or bending forward at all, and I'm able to figure out where he's at pretty easily. The only thing I wish I could do is to tell exactly what part is what when I do feel him. I still can't tell if it's a head or a butt most of the time.

Along with the obvious physical changes, I have found recently that something has changed in me. The only thing that I can point it back to is that it is, in a sense, a protection of my child.

Recently I have found myself being truthful in my relationships in a way that used to scare me. If I feel like someone is manipulating, or asserting an unhealthy control over me or the relationship, then I don't keep quiet about it. It's like I'm being more vocal and opinionated about myself or what's healthy for me.

It mostly boils down to the fact that I'm doing all I can to keep my stress to a minimum, for the health of our boy. But for other people, this means our relationship may have some moments of confrontation that you're not used to from me. It's not as though I've suddenly become less tolerant of these behaviors, I've never liked them, I've just always kept my mouth shut so as to not rock the boat. And now, I'm rocking the boat.

I'm not angry with anyone, frustrated maybe that I've allowed some things for so long. But, mostly I'm just honest about behaviors that I don't like, or ways people treat me that I don't think are healthy ways to treat someone. It's actually a very good place to be. I'm older and wiser and I feel like if there were ever a time to confront it's now, before I raise a child that follows in these unhealthy footsteps.

So, whereas I used to just let things go all the time, for days and months and years, I'm not letting things slide anymore, it's not healthy for me, it's not healthy for baby and it's not healthy for the people in my life. One thing I'm still having an uber hard time with though is disappointing people or letting people down, meaning: saying no is still really hard. I don't have an answer yet for this one, but it's an age old woman's issue, and since I'm going to be an old woman next month, it seems alright to tackle it slowly.

8 comments:

Cheita said...

4 things I liked so much about your blog that I had to comment on:
1. how big your belly is! and only 13 weeks left?! how exciting!
2. The content of it. Meaning, you talking about your honesty because of the baby and realizing it is good for you and those around you too. It really does seem to be the best way and it is good to see someone being so brave.
3. the fact that you said "uber" hard
4. "but it's an age old woman's issue, and since I'm going to be an old woman next month, it seems alright to tackle it slowly." hilarious.

meg said...

haha, thanks Cheitabeth. I like that you like me and my giant belly.

Elissa said...

i totally remember when i started to count down... i think it was a bit later but everything to shift at that time... it became a little more of a reality and went sooooo fast... i'm so so so happy for you guys...

Elissa said...

"everything to shift" ??? i have no idea what that is supposed to mean...
ooops

meg said...

Elissa - ya, um I kind of ignored that part haha. I thought it meant it was later on for you when you shifted to counting down? er, maybe your fingers were just crazy that day?

autumn said...

I felt this way too...and it has only intensified since having the little one. I am embracing it and using it to build better and more authentic relationships that are based in truth and not just working because I never speak up. Way to go...the mom-fidence is setting in.

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

Anonymous said...

What words..