i'm swimming in an icy pool of dark blue.

It's so beautiful, and it's so scary all at once.

We're a whole lot more knowledgeable and one day closer to being the proud owners of a 30 year mortgage. I can't put into words everything I'm feeling.

I went to bed and couldn't sleep, I woke up this morning at 6:30 and sat in the dark in the living room staring at the fire for half an hour. It was like Christmas Eve or Christmas morning...and yet it isn't Christmas yet, Christmas morning for us isn't for another month. But, try as I might to stay grounded in reason and doubt, I just keep letting my mind wander into the realm of new couches, painting colors, and the organizing of shelves and drawers.

Help, I must be stopped.

The problem is that there aren't any bad feelings in the pit of my stomach, and trust me I'm the definite pit in the stomach kind of girl, a true pessimist.

Last night we piled into our car with Toby and Jessa and drove over to the property, parked around the corner and walked the neighborhood. I shouldn't entertain the thoughts of living there, having barbecues, and friends hanging out in the living room, but I can't help it, it feels like it's mine.

Even though it feels like I'm having a baby soon or something and everything's about to change and that's a terrifying thought and I don't know if I can handle it and what were we thinking...and... I love it and I can't wait and it's going to be wonderful and amazing!

That helped, thanks for listening.

I will of course continue to update, it's cathartic and helps me stay grounded in reality, and soon I shall post photos of the entire property, inside and out, with stats to boot (for Andy F.)


p.s. Science plays tonight. Hoo-raw.