To be or not to be pregnant

Let's talk about something. Pregnancy

3 Things.

1. No we're not
2. Yes we'd like it if we were
3. Yes we'd be happy if we weren't

There have been a lot of years and a lot of changes in our marriage, nine of the former, hundreds of the latter. One of them has been the issue of whether or not to have a child.

Many things ruled the decision not to have children. If you know me or have read this blog for any number of months you know the biggest reason was the loss of our first child while we were pregnant eight years ago and the pain and fear that resulted in this loss.

That decision was then coupled with the fact that Andy was in school and our best friends were also married without children. (Two couple without children makes for many spontaneous moments).

Well. During the past three years all of these things have changed. The grieving and feelings of loss had turned to peace and the pain and fear was gone. Andy had graduated and we bought our first house and our best friend's marriage ended in a divorce.

Yes, everything had changed.

During this same time I felt a desire to be a mother. I knew I wouldn't be the same mother I would've been eight years ago, and it made me that much happier with the idea. I was happy in my marriage and loved my husband more than I ever had and I was happy thinking of loving him as he was a father to our child. Basically, nature was calling my name, and the name I heard was, mother.

I don't like people that do things half-ass, so obviously I don't want to do anything half-ass either. So, I dove in to research of natural family planning and fertility awareness, and I educated myself. I stopped taking the occasional drag off a cigarette, I decreased my consumption of caffeine and alcohol, I cared about what I was eating and took my vitamins....and I became obsessed with making a baby.

My frustration set in as that ONE day out of the month came and went. The egg dropped. The sperm swam and then 12 days later, the period began. Perfectly on time, like clockwork. Like no effort had been made at all. Month after month, after month. The sad part in all this was instead of my pursuit being love toward my husband, it was to make a baby, (like I said, I was obsessed after all).

When I realized that, something changed again. Me. My heart. My desires.

You see, for me it isn't about fulfilling some biblical commandment, it isn't about finding my self-worth in being a mother or raising an amazing person that will grow up to change the world.

If I have a child, I don't want their first 18 years of life to be lived under some umbrella of my purpose in life, or my desire to fulfill some missing piece of me. If I have a child it will be because someone wiser than me thinks it's what's best, just as he thought it was best that he take our first son before he took his first breath.

It's about trust. Trust in a creator that knows best. And knowing that whichever way it turns out I'll be happy and fulfilled - either way. For real.

p.s. Don't worry, if it happens I'll let you know.