Monday, May 25, 2009

The opposite of hard times

We just started our tenth year of marriage. So we haven't been married ten years, we've been married nine and the tenth has just begun. I'm not stating that for your purpose, I'm stating it for mine, to make sure I've got it right, and to help the feeling settle in. By this time next year we'll have been married ten years. I'll have known Andy more than half my life.

We've done a lot together.

grown up
experienced loss
broken up
got married
moved out of state
lived next to our best friends for over 5 years
watched our best friends get divorced
traveled to California every way possible, besides covered wagon
bought a house

So you get it. The list goes on and on. One major thing we haven't done together is raise a child. I don't know if it will happen. I don't know what God has in store for our future. I feel like I've finally become at peace with either/or. I used to almost dread the thought of being pregnant, I didn't think we were ready, I knew I wasn't ready. Then for a season I wanted it more than anything, but the time wasn't right. Then when I thought the time was right, it didn't happen for months and months and I was upset, frustrated, worried.

But I think it's better this way. I'm not afraid, I'm not worried, I'm not obsessed with the idea, or consumed with the thoughts. I'm good. I'm good with us, with where are life is and who we are as a couple. If we become parents I'll be happy, if we don't I'll be happy. I think it's a good place to be. Just be.

On our way to the TV on the Radio show
Honeymoon weekend 2009


sufferingsummer said...

I love that place you are in. I felt it so acutely when we lived in Milwaukee and I finally stopped fighting myself and felt an actual change, like that you speak of in terms of children/no children. Obviously God spoke loud and clear in our situation and now 2 amazing creatures later I don't know how else our story could have been told but I do know without a shadow of a doubt that I would have been happy either way.
Praise God that you are there. It is a lovely place to be.

meg said...

thank you summer, that really means a lot to me especially knowing we share a similar pain in our pasts.

Sarah said...

Congrats on such a long and happy marriage!

Melanie said...

Beautiful. Nothing can beat contentedness!