Thursday, July 26, 2007

till death do us part

I read a tribute one blogger wrote for her husband and I read the post in context of the discussion we've been having regarding adultery and divorce. In that moment I was pondering what I plan to be my final post on the subject of adultery.

As I read her post, I thought of the poetry behind her thought that "he is my history", thinking about my husband and the history we have. And it really got me thinking. I can't judge anyone else's relationship. Bella is right, we've all been affected in some way by cheating, affairs, and/or divorce. We can't seem to get away from it. We're all going to react differently if it happens to us, a close friend, a family member or if we're the one who committed the sin.

This is in no way became more real to me than in Stephanie's two comments posted as "Ryan" here and here.
I want to thank you Stephanie for your courage and for speaking so openly and honestly about your past mistakes. It has been so helpful for me while pondering these subjects.

In one of her comments, Stephanie mentions that, what I'm going to refer to as the foundation, the foundation of the affair started months prior to her ex coming back into her life. The foundation started when, "I got in the habit of discontent, anger, and choosing my needs over my husbands and choosing not to address and work out issues we had." I've mentioned selfishness before and this is why I believe so strongly in that very thing. An affair can begin before we even know it has...I still won't call it a lapse in judgement...Sorry. This to me is a choice in selfishness, something that when we're married, we have to be aware of every day.

She then states, "All of that laid the groundwork for me to more readily ignore healthy conviction when the conversations and flirtations did begin, so that I could easily justify them, thinking I had mastery over what was going on. By the time the affair started, I was already well down the path, much deeper entrenched then I was even aware."

I've learned from the opinion "a lapse in judgement can lead to an affair", that the importance in this debate is not what to do if it ever happens. It is not to wonder where the - line-you-can-not-cross - is. It is not if a lapse can lead to an affair. The importance is, knowing we have to fight for it now, not later when it may be even more difficult, or worse too late to salvage.
We both have to know the importance of fighting for our marriage.

Fighting for your marriage needs to happen the moment you say, "I do." It's harder and potentially dangerous if you start fighting too late. Marriage is an active pursuit, something we have to engage in. I have to trust my husband that he's fighting and I have to strive daily to fight because I want the reason we part to be nothing other than death.


elixir said...

Yes, yes, yes. I think this was at the heart of my original post, though I wasn't even thinking about adultery playing a part. If we don't fight for our marriages and fight against our selfishness, the marriage can fall apart even without adultery.

sufferingsummer said...

I'm annoyed, I had a long response...well not too long but lengthy and blogger erased it when I tried to post...anyway I don't have the time now to rewrite it but the gist is I agree...if I find the time I'll respond in more specifics but wanted you to know I'm glad you continued the conversation...

Anonymous said...