Tuesday, July 8, 2008

A brand new day.

goodbye. ello.

It seems like all of a sudden life went topsie turvie. I don't know if I've said it before but I kind of can't believe what my life is right now. I'm strangely, seemingly sitting in God's good grace in every way imaginable.
so goodbye old ideas and welcome new ones.

In the past, the way my life seemed to work was one tragic moment followed by some time of calm, which would inevitably lead to another moment of tragic. By tragic I mean a trial, a hardship, to some it would be thought of as a moment of sharpening, evolving, becoming...but it seemed to always be by way of pain, suffering, tears.

(For those that don't know my story, I'd like to say that this isn't a pity party of a girl that didn't get the diamonds she wanted for her sweet sixteen...it would be shameful to use the word choice I have "pain, suffering, tears" if this were the case, and that isn't me. It just isn't.)

I've lived my life, not cursing the One that brought it all upon me, rather I've overly embraced the pattern. This is not to say that I didn't fear the next tragedy...I have lived a lot of my life in that fear. But even more sad than the constant wondering of when the next bad thing would come, I was unable to dwell on the goodness, the times of happiness.

I don't know if I'm making sense so here's a little picture of the struggle I had. It looked like this...

I've just married the man of my dreams, when's he going to die, leave me, become someone I don't know?

We just bought a house, hooray, now when's it going to burn down, fall apart, get broken in to?

And on and on. If the moment was a good one, I would instantly worry about when the tragic would strike.

I've finally begun to learn that it's good to succeed. It is good to be happy, to be blessed. It is righteous to be grateful, thankful, appreciative.

And so. I am blessed. I am thankful. I am enjoying the blessings, but there's still this little part of me that won't be taken for a fool, and so my saving's account will continue to grow, cause I'm no fool.

The beginning of the picture explosion. A last hoorah with my girls.


Anonymous said...

I also tend to expect the worst. Whenever I'm happy I feel like it's a cruel joke, like there's something horrible waiting in the wings. :/
BTW love your bangs in the second pic.

Anonymous said...

Your post really hit home and helped put words to the fears that I am struggling with. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

How wonderful to hear you moving into peace and happiness. I am relieved just reading it. love, mum